Most of us hate arguments. We avoid them at all costs.
We bite our tongues, smile politely, and keep the peace – even when something inside us is screaming to be heard.
And yet, here’s the paradox: avoiding arguments often costs us far more than having them.
When we don’t speak up, we don’t get what we want or need. We feel unseen, unheard, quietly resentful. And instead of expressing what we feel to the person concerned, we often end up gossiping behind their backs or complaining endlessly in our own heads.
So what if – instead of fearing conflict – we could relax into it?
Relaxing into disagreement
For me, relaxing whilst arguing doesn’t mean sitting cross-legged, smiling serenely while someone shouts at you. It simply means staying relatively calm and grounded, even when tensions rise.
That calm allows us to:
Express what we really think and feel.
Listen more carefully (without just waiting to prove we’re “right”).
Stay honest and authentic, rather than pretending everything is fine.
Courage as grace under pressure
I once heard courage described as “grace under pressure.”
I love that.
In an argument, that grace shows up as the ability to stay with the discomfort without losing ourselves in it. To be “relatively” relaxed – not perfect, not saint-like, but steady enough to keep the connection alive.
And sometimes, that steady presence allows something extraordinary to happen: a genuine negotiation, a shift towards understanding, or even a win-win outcome.
The cost of silence
William Blake wrote a short poem called A Poison Tree. The first two lines say it all:
“I was angry with my friend; I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe; I told it not, my wrath did grow.”
When we express what we feel, even clumsily, the tension dissolves. When we bottle it up, it festers and grows poisonous.
A radical experiment
So here’s my experiment for you: next time you find yourself disagreeing with your partner, your friend, a colleague, even the customer service rep on the phone – try staying just 10% more relaxed. Notice your breathing. Loosen your shoulders. Let yourself be “relatively calm.”
Then say what you really think, as kindly and clearly as you can.
You might be surprised by the relief, the honesty, and the new possibilities that open up.
And if this sparks something in you, you’ll find more experiments like this inside The Relaxers Membership where every month we explore how to bring more calm, ease, and presence into the messiness of real life. Get a taster here in this Free Video from John – If You’re Stressed, Learn the Habits of Those Who Aren’t. Simple. Click Here!