Most of us are incredibly well trained in noticing what’s wrong.
What’s irritating. What’s missing. What’s stressful. What’s disappointing. The person driving too fast. The weather. The parcel left outside in the rain. The noisy bloke on the train. The duvet cover that somehow turns into an escape room challenge every time you change the bed.
We can become experts in spotting problems.
And the strange thing is, we often think we’re just “being realistic”.
But as we explored in the second Relaxers habit — Appreciate More — there’s actually something much deeper going on. Human beings have what psychologists call a negativity bias. In other words, the brain naturally scans for problems, threats and difficulties more than it scans for beauty, ease and appreciation.
Which, to be fair, made a lot of sense when survival depended on spotting danger quickly.
Less useful when the “threat” is somebody watching videos loudly on their phone in a café.
Why the brain focuses on negative things
Our brains evolved to help us survive, not necessarily to help us relax.
So they became very efficient at looking for what could go wrong. What might hurt us. What we need to fix, avoid or prepare for. And over time, this tendency can become so normal that we don’t even realise we’re doing it.
You can see it quite clearly when you stop and pay attention.
In the Relaxers session, we first shared the things that had annoyed us that day. Within seconds, people were listing rain, bad drivers, rude people, broken plans, noisy neighbours, frustrating technology, stressful news stories, overflowing bins and all sorts of everyday irritations. Once we started, the list became endless.
And that’s the thing about the negativity bias: the more we look for problems, the more problems we find.
But then we switched direction.
We started sharing things we appreciated instead. A cup of tea. Birds singing in the morning. A cat purring nearby. Heating that works. An afternoon nap. A good conversation. Snowdrops appearing. A friend helping with curtains. A warm room. A walk. A laugh with students. The sea air.
The energy in the group changed almost immediately.
People softened.
People smiled.
And several people noticed that when they focused on appreciation, they actually felt calmer in their bodies.
Why appreciation changes how we feel
There’s now a huge amount of research showing that appreciation and gratitude practices can have powerful effects on both physical and mental health.
Studies suggest they can help reduce anxiety and low mood, improve sleep, lower stress hormones, support heart health, improve resilience and even increase longevity. Apparently, when we regularly practise appreciation, we begin strengthening neural pathways associated with positive emotions and weakening some of the habitual stress responses that keep us stuck in fight-or-flight mode.
In simple terms, appreciation helps retrain the brain.
It gently interrupts the automatic habit of scanning for what’s wrong and encourages us to notice what’s already supportive, beautiful or working in our lives.
And that doesn’t mean pretending life is perfect.
It doesn’t mean becoming fake-positive or spiritually superior while secretly furious about everything.
It simply means balancing the lens a little.
Because many of us have become so practised at noticing lack that we barely notice what’s already here.
The appreciation practice that actually worked for me
For years, I found gratitude practices slightly irritating.
I’d occasionally try a gratitude journal, but part of me always felt like I was forcing it. It often felt worthy, dutiful or a bit clichéd. Like I was supposed to sit there writing, “Today I am grateful for quinoa,” while not actually feeling much at all.
Then I came across a much simpler approach through mindfulness-based cognitive therapy work developed by researchers including Mark Williams and John Teasdale.
And this version genuinely worked for me.
The practice is astonishingly simple. I call it the 10-digit appreciation exercise.
You simply think of ten things you appreciate and count them off on your fingers.
That’s it.
No journal. No perfect mindset. No need to create profound emotional experiences every time you do it.
Some days, it feels deeply moving. Other days, it’s more practical and ordinary:
“I appreciate this coffee.”
“I appreciate my warm socks.”
“I appreciate being able to walk.”
“I appreciate this park.”
“I appreciate the smell of the sea.”
The important thing is not whether every item fills you with overwhelming gratitude. The important thing is the repetition. The habit itself begins teaching the brain to look differently at life.
And over time, something starts changing.
The appreciation glasses
During the session, we explored this through a simple visualisation exercise.
Imagine you have two pairs of glasses.
One pair is your negativity-bias glasses. When you put them on, you immediately notice flaws, frustrations, problems and what’s missing. You see everything through the lens of irritation, lack or disappointment.
Then you swap them for your appreciation glasses.
And suddenly, in exactly the same situation, you start noticing warmth, beauty, support, humour, kindness and possibility. The situation itself may not have changed at all, but your experience of it changes enormously.
That’s what appreciation practice gradually does.
It doesn’t turn us into unrealistic people pretending difficult things don’t exist. It simply broadens the picture. It allows us to see more than just the problems.
And perhaps most importantly, it softens us.
How to make appreciation a habit
The real power of this comes from consistency.
Doing the exercise once is pleasant. Doing it regularly is transformational.
The good news is that it only takes about a minute. And the easiest way to make it stick is to attach it to something you already do every day.
You might do it:
- while brushing your teeth
- making tea
- walking the dog
- feeding the cat
- sitting on the train
- having a shower
- lying in bed before sleep
- walking to work
It doesn’t need to be dramatic. In fact, the less dramatic it is, the more likely it becomes a genuine habit rather than another abandoned self-improvement project.
Over time, you may begin noticing subtle but important changes. Difficult situations still happen, but you respond differently. You recover more quickly. You notice beauty more easily. You feel less trapped in complaint and tension.
And the world starts feeling a little lighter.
The second of six Relaxers habits
Inside The Relaxers in 2026, we’re exploring six simple but powerful habits that can genuinely change the way we experience life:
January — Breathe Out More
February — Appreciate More
March — Notice More
April — Be More Kind to Yourself
May — Here-Now More
June — Care Less
These aren’t abstract self-help concepts to admire from a distance. They’re practical habits designed to help calm the nervous system, soften stress and create more space, ease and enjoyment in everyday life.
And the lovely thing is that you can still join us.
The sessions that have already happened are all available on replay inside The Relaxers, so you can start wherever you are and explore these habits in your own time.
Join The Relaxers
If you’d like to explore these habits more deeply with me – through guided sessions, meditations, practical exercises and a wonderfully human community – come and join us inside The Relaxers.
Because appreciation isn’t just about “being positive”.
It’s about retraining the mind to notice more of life.
And life feels very different when we do that.