Share how you’ve changed over this last year…
John & Gaia here. Please do share how you’ve changed over this last year (or more).
If ‘F**k It’ has been part of that, please say.
Let’s celebrate our changes together.
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The biggest change for me have been saying f**k it to all the bad things which have happened in my past and making a conscious decision to sort out all areas of my life: where I live, what work I want to do, getting a better work/life balance for my mental health stability, which friends/family I want to remain in my life etc etc.
Fuck it I’ve changed because I’m not willing to people please anymore. I left a job because my boss was tyrant and because I was such a people pleaser, I couldn’t see or admit how manipulative she was. As a result the company (it was really small) collapsed. Although others are angry at me and this same boss has now spread lots of lies about me I actually don’t give a fuck. I just smile and allow people to think what they want because I know better.
I’ve become stronger and now I’m making an effort to start up my own company because I have something to say and share.
I’ve read several of the Fuck-It books and did an online program with John a few years ago (2017, I think).
So 2019…
The biggest thing for me has been the continued evolution of my attitude toward other people. I’ve spent a lot of energy in my life looking for positive, supportive, available friends. And I’ve felt frustrated a lot! This year, I really took major steps toward seeing people in my life as they are, as opposed to how I want them to be. Really, this is saying “Fuck-It” to my expectations that certain friends/family members would want to have a positive, supportive and open relationship. Instead, I find myself feeling deeply accepting of what my friends can and can not offer.
I really hope that this doesn’t sound like some descent into cynicism or negativity – it feels like the complete opposite – more like being just more present and real with things.
Wishing ALL of you a great 2020!
I have begun coming to work earlier. I learned a new Qi Qong set of exercises. I have come to relish my life more.
I have been eating vegetarian. I have been more upbeat especially in support of others. I have let go of doubting
my own path. When I fall into thoughts that I know are going nowhere I let go of them. I am now a somewhere man.
Yes the world is at my command. I no longer even whisper of suicide. I love life my life. It is fun some times. May that
increase. I am sad some friends have passed or are suffering I embrace them with compassion. I enjoy the Coney Island sunshine more than ever. It is the poor man’s paradise. F train last stop Brooklyn NY.
” I will endure most of the time”
” I am half content most of the time” Bob Dylan
Ok. I’ve learnt to say ‘absolutely fuck it’ and ‘fuck everything’ to the day’s events. United just lost 2-0 to arsenal, and so what? I now say ‘fuck everything’ to every event in my life. It seems that life is a series of events which mean nothing until you assign a meaning to them. So remember. ‘FUCK IT’. YES ‘ABSOLUTELY FUCK IT’ and ‘FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!!’ You’ll see a completely flat landscape in front of you which means what’s life all about? Well, it means whatever you allow it to mean. Eventually, through the use of ‘fuck it’ you’ll see that life means nothing. Events mean nothing. Live in the now. And realise that not giving a shit means a great deal. I’ve reached this frame of mind by learning to fuck everything in life. I’m currently watching bridget Jones diary on new years day. I’m enjoying it a great deal and I’m sure I’ll enjoy tomorrow just as much as I enjoyed today. If not better, that is. Yes, just remember to fuck every little event in your life if it causes a problem. And then problems will disappear. I’ve reached that stage in my consciousness, my tao; call it what you like. Thank you very much indeed John and Gaia for your work and your books. I’ve now found Heaven in my mind. And it’s amazing. So please use ‘absolutely fuck it’ and ‘fuck everything’ to escape the normal life and to find heaven. It works!
Dear all,
how have I changed over this past year? Where to begin!? Going into 2019 I knew I wanted to make some changes in my life but didn’t know where and how to start… So, I – very spontaneously – booked a place in Gaia’s “Life-force” seminar on Stromboli. After attending this week filled with wisdom, (explosive) revelations and amazing, beautiful people, things started to happen for me quite organically:
1. I reconnected to my feelings. Example: I got offered a promotion but quit my job instead. Because I felt in that moment, almost physically, that it was the right thing to do. I was amazed how good this instant reaction made me feel and how good it still feels! I thought I had forgotten all about my gut, but there it was. Welcome back!
2. I gained clarity and learned to relax. Example: With the help of my husband I started to unclutter and to renovate the parts of our home we weren’t using well. Even though this process remains unfinished, we are now having people over more often, have less problems keeping the place tidy (enough) and are generally more relaxed, enjoying this new space that we created. Nice!
3. I reconnected to some old friends. Example: I had come to regret how superficial the relationships to my oldest school friends had become, so I invited them over to my place (see 2. 😉 ) and told them over dinner how much I missed them and how lonely I felt without them. The evening resulted in some tears, but mostly hugs, laughs, some confessions and overall the feeling of a deeper connection. Wow!
4. Lastly, I am starting to feel more like my old self again, more silly, more open, more powerful, more compassionate, more curious…
As I approach this new year I am actually anxious to find out what’s out there waiting for me, trusting that – one way or another – it will all work out. 🙂 And that is a great feeling! I apologize for this lengthy comment, but I guess 2019 really got things rolling for me. All of you a great year 2020, and a special shout to my Stromboli friends!
Freia
How have I changed this year? Working with Gaia I have slowly opened up and finally understood the connection between my 10 year old bullied self and my so called adult life, in particular my long marriage. I have hidden myself, put up barriers and operated from fear, from a distance, from a very lonely place. I have been so afraid of the next ‘emotional beating’ that I will do anything to avoid it. I have believed that I am not worth more than that broken, confused child received and have been a receptacle of grief, rage and disappointment from someone who saw I would take it and come back for more as a warped expression of love.
I want to live a different life and a different story. That started in 2019 when I started being real, showing up as me.
Happy New Year to everyone ❤️
That’s amazing and courageous. Hope 2020 sees you continuing your journey back to you. Thank you for sharing and Happy New Year RK.
We’re enjoying reading all your contributions, thank you –
And also loving that you’re supporting each other.
We’re off to another family do now but look forward to reading more later,
J&Gx
Hi, for many years now I’ve been working on accepting how things are and making the best of what is. This doesn’t mean giving up working on trying to improve things for myself, but knowing that so many things are out of your control/ not your fault really helps. I think it is the shift in perspective and the belief that everything is ok just as it is and knowing that no matter how bad a situation is ‘it too will pass’. Things continue to move forwards and shifting my mindset positively and seeking out life enhancing moments is the best thing I can do. I am grateful to have the determination to work on myself and honour this in everyone who is on this journey. Love and light, Bx
I quit my job catering to bullies in a hotel.
Hit the road travelling in April and have been exploring ever since.
Also cut off contact with a toxic parent, which has been a long time coming.
Probably one of the best years of my life so far.
How I have changed in the last year… well firstly, what comes to mind are the material changes that have happened this year. I have formed a new business partnership with two lovely people, which is going well. I also left the family home as a result of a long time trying to make the relationship with my kid’s dad work. My energy has largely gone into these changes. But as a result, I have also expanded my social network and am seeing friends a lot more. I’ve nurtured a daily (well almost) meditation and yoga practice. I have slowed down and learnt to take time to recover. Although sometimes this can feel a bit frustrating in terms of lack of energy. I started running a bit too. Will get back to that soon. I live much more in the moment, rely more on my intuition and use meditation time to reflect on work/life. I have been using a Tibetan Giving / Taking meditation (or my version of it) which is lovely because there is a focus on myself as well as others. I’ve also been cultivating a ‘safe space’ meditation. I think I am about to embark on some really exciting learning – which means I have my mojo back as I’d put things like that on hold. And hey, I am part of this group. Perhaps most significantly, and despite my responsibilities, I am now a free Spirit and I wont be tamed again!
I attended a week-long relationships course in autumn 2019. Quite a lot has changed and quite quickly.
Materially things are changing, which is an added bonus and is not something that is generally a major concern for me, as it doesn’t take a lot of money to make me happy: I’m generally happy if I have a book or I’m healthy enough to dance and sing. But with the material changes, I’ve been able to get a bath brush with a massaging side to it, and I’ve allowed myself to buy glittery eye shadow too.
I got some work and I got very ill, but even that has worked out very well for me. I’ve had to pause and relax and my foot, which I injured earlier this year has completely recovered…. I only found out today when I was visiting my 97 year old friend at her (very lovely) residential home and I joined in with the singer…. Dancing to his renditions of ‘I dreamed a dream and ‘ Knees up mother Brown’ (which i never before knew the lyrics to). Usually it is sort of OK but hurts if I kneel. Today I did a lot of dancing in just my socks and knelt next to my friend (to teach some hand dancing and jam with her… as she’s not very mobile)… And I realized my foot was healed!
I’ve learned a lot about what I can and can’t do and also what is acceptable and unacceptable from others in terms of what they ask me to do for work. The things I learned this autumn I am sure have contributed to my having a fast recovery from illness, for which I am majorly grateful.
The relationship workshop and the work we did has had a big impact on how I respond to my parents and I am now much more able to understand what their hang-ups are and get some distance when they say things that hurt me, or when they start to criticize me for showing any emotions they don’t like. (My mother sees emotion as ‘bad behaviour’… She admonished me for crying at hearing the lyrics of a song for the first time. ‘it’s only a song’… I was moved by the song).
It’s really helpful to be able to stand back and understand what is me and what is other people. Friends have noticed that over the years I have had a tendance to blame myself if things go wrong, and I think that this is now changing.
Weirdly enough, I was able to have a conversation with both my parents and not offend them while discussing homosexuality and religion (my mother is very religious). I was talking about how God (if He/She….. probably she…. exists) must have thought about gay sex when creating the G spot in a man. (There’d be kind of no point if no men had that kind of sex). My father was genuinely impressed that I’d thought that deeply about it and said he never would have thought about it.
I’ve also been able to talk to him about studying French rap music as part of my degree, which I felt he wasn’t supportive of before…. I realized he’s just worried about my future….that I’m not paying into a pension at the moment. But I can’t take on his worries too….( I’ve realized that thanks to John and Gaia).
Sometimes life is difficult but having tools to navigate it means that we can cope with those difficulties much better and even enjoy some of the difficult challenges if we see them as a game… A problem to solve.
Thank you so much for the experience. I’m really glad I attended. Thankful to John and Gaia and to my fellow f**kers. Can I use that term? It made me giggle, so I hope you don’t mind!
Thank you again. Hoping that John and Gaia’s new journeys are smooth. And best of luck to the boys 🙂
Hello to John and Gaia, Arco and Leone. Your last series of videos on discovering our adaptive mechanisms really struck a chord with me. I realized I had unknowingly over the last year, been letting go of the “energy vampires” in my life. These were mainly a few friends whom I had listened to for years; to their problems, their troubles etc. I am the former but now retired nurse/psychiatric nurse and people pleaser who was a really good listener. My ears (and sympathetic nature) were a big draw for them. However, I discovered I finally needed to be listened to as well, but some “friends” are quite turned off by that change in my ways and how I am focusing instead on my husband and our retirement. It was difficult at first to acknowledge that the role I had played in their lives had been mostly for their benefit. Now I am being “selfish”. And the f**k it method now makes me chuckle quite often when I see what people fuss about; if only they knew about f**k it! Getting older also makes one really realize what is important and what is not.
The biggest change for me is that I have realised that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with me. I am not flawed. I am not difficult. I am not aggressive. I am not confrontational etc etc. I am not any of these labels that others have put on me. I am proud to be someone who is not afraid to show my emotions, and if that involves raising my voice and others think I’m shouting then it’s their problem not mine. I have spent most of my adult life trying to be more like people I admire. People I see as perfect, people who never appear stressed or flustered, people who are calm and diplomatic. But that is not who I am. I have realised I don’t need to be like anyone, I just need to be me. My true authentic, wonderful self. I don’t need to suppress who I am to be loved. In my last relationship I was totally smitten with a controlling, bully. I told him once he knew the real me he’d leave me, and he did. I saw this as evidence that I was unlovable as I am and needed to change to be loved. Thanks to my work on retreats and in the group I now see that that is utter bullshit. I am totally lovable as I am and if someone’s love is conditional on me suppressing who I am then they can take a hike. All of me, loves all of me, with all my perfect imperfections. Thank you to Jon Legend for giving me that phrase.
Knowing I don’t need to change, fix or improve myself has taken a huge weight off me and I feel free, free to be me. Of course that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes look back and think hmmm…maybe I could have handled that better. I can finally be myself and that feels so good, so empowering and so beautiful
Hi Anne – I hear what you are saying about having to suppress the self to be loved… that is something I am in constant discussion with myself about, perhaps because I am still tied to that thought/belief somehow… it’s a deep one. But F**k It! It’s where I am heading and I figure it’s better to be aware and in my mind than just feeling enraged by not being able to be me. 🙂
That’s brilliant news Anne. Really pleased for you!
In Aug 2018 I read Fuck it therapy and thought Fuck it I am having an ensuite! Sounds shallow I know but bear with me. I had been stuck for about a decade over whether to move or improve my current house…and I mean
really stuck in an endless argument with myself over whether I needed such a thing how selfish and shallow I was to be bothered about such stuff …then there was the don’t stay here move on argument this house is a poor investment even though you like it don’t spend money on it….then the what if I start building work and it all goes wrong and becomes too expensive it could be a big mistake -just find a new house and move…..oh but what if I move and regret it and don’t like it as much as this one? On and on and round and round I went for a DECADE FFS My husband who plans nothing was refusing to talk about it any more, friends found it amusing and I felt really really bad about my inability to make a decision….then I said Fuck it if the guy in the book can buy a Porsche. I can have an ensuite. 2019 was the year of the big build. I now have an ensuite and I totally LOVE it and all the other changes I made to my home. I smile every time I walk through the front door. What I learned? Listen to your own life force and what it says it needs and just DO IT. Don’t worry or judge or second guess everything. Trust yourself it will all be fine. Happy New Decade people and thank you John and Gaia for the inspiration!
This year I had my first boyfriend, I mean a real relationship where I could be myself and not something shallow and toxic.
Thank you because I know this (fuck it) helped me and it was a heart desire that I had for a long time and felt hopeless about it.
Merry christmas and happy new year to you all xx
Hi all,
What a great question. Writing this, I’m sitting at a new years retreat in the forest. I’m currently in an emotional turmoid post-Christmas happenings with-/out my family, realizing I need to let go of some dreams of my closest relationships. Meanwhile, I’m being washed with held back emotions from probably the decade back. I did realise that I needed help, however, and asked for it!
Over the last couple of years, I’ve learnt that I have needs, that my feelings matter and that I am worthy of help and support. I’m just starting to get to know my anger, and look forward to see what my new perspectives on myself, my story and my expression will give me in life.
Happy new year people!
Hi everyone,
This year I have learnt to sit with all of my difficult emotions, what a departure from the old Kate! 🙂
Now I have a little bit of fun when challenging feelings arise – and I label them, and say hello to them, and imagine I am sitting on the sofa with them … and as I do that … their power seems to diminish somehow. I am looking forward to experiencing less and less resistance in my body too and know already that feels good!
Thank you John and Gaia for holding this safe space for everyone, your authenticity is powerful and very healing.
Happy new decade everyone! :))
That sounds amazing Kate – I’ve been doing that a bit… perhaps need to make a conscious effort to do it more. 🙂
This year I have realised that I am ok being me. I don’t have to change, solve other peoples problems, be a doormat, be everything to everyone.
I just have to be me. My own authentic self. To be ok loving me. Everything is alright. It always was.
Love to you all.
I see you, Marj!
Me too Marj, we are amazing just as we are. Love x
Love to you too Mark. Happy New Year!
Marj, you are one of several people I’ve met through F*ck It retreats who always inspires a warm feeling of love and gratitude when I hear news of you on social media. I am happy that you are out there in the world. Your light shines very brightly. xoxox Sean
my Life has changed massively since I read your book on holiday this summer ! I had been doing a job that was great financially but was extremely stressful, and working with people that I had lost respect for. I have now returned to an old skill I thought was of no interest to me but which is satisfying and paying the bills . The people closest to me have been amazing through this and I am a world away from where I was. Your book put a lot of things in perspective and I got another for Christmas!
Thank you
This year saw and end to the excruciating pain I was in for years. A hip replacement has drastically improved my life and I’m still adjusting to the changes. I had become a different person because of the pain. Now I need to find myself again and I’m sure F**k it in all its forms will help me. Happy New year everyone, much joy to us all!
Hello, I‘ve learned to wait this year, to sit, do nothing and wait instead of being driven by action. It was a good and new thing for me to watch things change and to see that difficult situations turn out the best, even if I don‘t do anything. This gave me a sense of flow and trust, although I‘ve rarely been so afraid before. I learned that fear is just a thing in life, like trust. I learned that fear and trust belong together somehow and it was an emotional rollercoaster ride to feel them both in such an extreme way. Now I want to leave emotions as they are – they come and go. Most of them aren‘t important enough to lean on. I want them to rush through me instead of living in me for a longer time. I’d rather be a flirt than a longtime relationship for emotions. I feel that all the fear, worrying, praying, hoping, desiring is just not so important to stay with. So I‘m going back to action, but this time without too much emotional distractions.
I really resonate with what you say here & I would like to do the same this year! You have been very brave x
The most important thing I’ve learned this year is that I can ask what I want, but I can’t control the outcome. Even if I stress about it or try to convince people, I can’t control it, so I have to let it go (the alternative is stressing and worrying and asking and begging and stressing). It’s still a learning process, even just asking for what I want (or saying ‘no’). Mainly my boyfriend has helped me a great deal with this. I can ask him for example to join me at Christmas with my family and I can tell him how much I would appreciate it, but that’s all I can do. Then I have to let it go. And I did! Which was a process but I did and it felt great. And he did come with me, which was double bonus for me.
Hi, thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing. A big extra thank you to Arco and Leone for their great wisdom (how old are you guys???).
I’m going through a big process and am still a long way from where I want to be but I’ve already made one huge change: I came out of the deepest and darkest depression I’ve ever had. And yes, f**k it certainly is one of the books/videos/podcasts/… that made this small miracle possible.
Thank you, John & Gaia. May 2020 bring you loads of wisdom and tons of fun!
Hey F**k it Family!
Lovely to hear all your news.
This year I’m quite proud of myself, as I’ve felt the fear … but thought F**k it and done it anyway.
After procrastinating for a few years now about where I wanted to live, and having assumed that was the U.K., I’ve really listened to my hearts longing and found it is in fact to be by the sea and in the sunshine … so I’ve just got a place in Ibiza!
So, from Jan 2020, I’ll be moving to a country where I don’t speak the language (yet!), don’t know too many people, don’t know what lies ahead etc. and as a ‘planner’ I’m feeling the fear.
However, the fear is so close to the feeling of excitement that I’m enjoyably see-sawing between the two.
So, here’s to walking (or skipping or shuffling sideways) into the unknown in 2020 with my F**k it toolkit as my armoury, a smile on my face and my fingers crossed!
Onwards …..
x
Wow!! That’s awesome! Congrats
Thanks Anne, that’s lovely of you to say! x
Wow Phillipa! Would love to do this…or even just have a holiday bolt hole in the sun and not be held back by doubt and fear so I applaud your brave move and am cheering you on! Bet you learn loads from the experience whether it proves a permanent move or a stepping stone to something else!
Thanks Elaine for the cheer!
Anne – if I had a pool you’d be invited to the party! x
Thanks Elaine for the cheer!
Anne – if I had a pool you’d be invited to the party! x
Awesome, when’s the pool party….
Thanks for the chance to share. The biggest change for me has been creating and then maintaining some previously nonexistent emotional boundaries with my spouse, anchored by a commitment to knowing when to say to myself, “F**k it. That’s hers, not mine. I will not ride her emotionally merry-go-round anymore!” — which in turn has helped me find deeper inner peace even in the midst of an often toxic family environment.
Thank you so much for all you do. Happy new year and peace to you …
jd
Hi! The biggest change this year is stopping to listen to how I’m feeling and what my inner voice says. For the first time, I’ve shared my inner voice with my boss, friends and most recently with a potential new partner. And though it made me feel so vulnerable, it meant I could speak my truth and ask for what I need.
I moved from Melbourne to Sydney for warmer weather and a healthier lifestyle. I had to quit my intense job to do it ie. Fuck the job. I’ve since realised I don’t want the “big” job anymore and am looking for something more junior and less demanding that will give me balance 🙂
It’s Arco here.
Something quite big has changed for me in the last year…
It’s my view of myself in the things I do.
I started expecting myself to do well (for example, at school),
and I then started to do really well.
I got over that thing – the thought “I am like this, I can’t do any better, I am this person” –
And now I go “No!… I can do differently, I can be different” – and then I do something different –
And I feel well when this happens.
That’s awesome. It’s true that what you think – happens. I love the quote by Henry Ford – whether you think you can or you think you can’t – you’re right. Keep thinking you can do anything and you will.
Leone here, hello everyone,
I was in a pub a couple of weeks ago and I realized how much people want to show off (including me).
They show off about what they’ve done.
But they don’t share who they are.
This led me to a drastic change in how I relate with people –
I now want to be surrounded by people that accept me for who I am, and not what I do.
And that feels really good.
Leo
how you’ve changed over this last year (or more) –
What you’ve learnt, what you’ve changed,
Changes small and big.
Ooh I think I’ve finally started to accept that things are always changing and I don’t need to take some of that so personally – I’ve seen how my head will focus and loop on a bad thing and not see all the good things – and this realisation has helped me to open up my perspective when I notice that happening. In lots of areas in my life. Less expectations – of situations, things and others – more being with what is – moment to moment – rather than attaching or future mapping – having a plan And intentions and following needs, dreams and desires but letting the plan have its own journey – putting in an effort without pushing – this has seen me go on a fitness journey this year that has been both enjoyable and consistent, it also helped me with writing my second book, I seeded ideas for it within myself and didn’t force it, instead allowing it, which resulted in being inspired to write, just at a moment where space had appeared for me to do so – writing and releasing it in just 6 weeks , all unplanned, but perfect. So I think this year I am learning to trust (and recognise) more deeply. The energy and each of its phases – within in me and without. x
Ps I use F*K it all the time as part of this process !! X
Gaia here, hi.
Many things have changed,
but this one feels really important,
so I’d like to share it with you…
I’ve become more comfortable feeling fear.
I’ve actually noticed that recognizing what can scare me and being okay with it, being sweet with it, it’s actually more powerful than trying to resolve or move on.
So I’m accepting the time it takes and I’m being really soft towards myself.
Big love,
Gaia
Wow! I need to learn this skill, and John’s not planning so much. I am faced with a situation concerning a loved one where I have no control and my anxiety levels over Christmas have been sky high. Are you incorporating this learning in your programmes? I did an online course with you approx 7 years ago, need to revisit! X
It’s John here.
How have I changed this last year?
Well, it feels subtle but significant big-time.
I don’t plan as much.
I tend now to leave the planning, and just see what feels right at the time.
It’s so different for me. I used to plan like crazy.
But it feels really good. I just sit back and see what feels right to do.
It means I’m better at responding to things as they change.
It means I’m generally more relaxed.
And it’s taken some real F**k It to do this –
whenever that nagging ‘you should be planning all this in advance’ voice comes up.
Yay, it feels good.
xx
Lol! This resonates with me John. I can plan the life out of anything and still feel anxious I have missed an important detail. Great that you are able to go with the flow more and just see what happens!
I love the line in John Lennon’s song Beautiful Boy – life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans…love it
What a good question/reflection – what hasn’t changed this year?
I guess I lost my fear about making changes – particularly those that truly felt right for me…and made lots of them…& that’s continuing…& if the change isn’t right, well I’ll just change something again.
Big love to all who’ve posted about their changes…some amazing shifts happening 😉
Hello, changes I have made this year are still ‘works in progress’. I have been exhausted by work and from the loss of a few dear people. I have suggested changes at work but nothing changed so I will be going F*ck It and just making the changes in the new year. I changed my diet and found new energy and mental clarity. I discovered Journalling which has been so wonderful for my mental state. I found support groups for so many areas of my life. There is someone I have been attracted to for 2 years! I am saying F*uck It now and I will stop ‘dreaming’ and just approach him anyway. I am ‘allowing’ all of my emotions to have their place and to resist holding them back. For some reason I have become immersed in discarding most of my household furnishings, items from my past or old broken stuff, I am refurnishing, refreshing and enjoying the ‘light’ and space in my home, even thinking about inviting friends over. Life on this planet is fantastically beautiful, wishing you all a very happy New Year from Australia xx
Hi, it’s John & Gaia here.
We’re so looking forward to seeing how you’ve changed over this last year (or more) –
What you’ve learnt, what you’ve changed,
Changes small and big.
Everything counts.
Johnx
What’s changed for me this year? Well, just about everything, so here goes!
I’ve always felt I’m living somebody else’s life and have no idea of how to manifest what the ‘me’ deep within needs and wants, as I’m always so busy worrying / caring about others and their problems – and news flash – I’m quite certain there’s no reciprocity involved whatsoever! Current financial commitments mean changing jobs would be difficult at the moment, but if the last year has taught me anything it’s the lunacy of voluntarily getting on other people’s stress-go-round and feeling a pain that’s not mine. So with work at least I think I have the potential to make myself happier by understanding other’s emotions are simply that – theirs, not mine.
I’ve also had a big wake up call this year and realised I’ve lived my life according to the rules of others, mainly because I hate arguing and it’s always been easier to let people have their own way rather than deal with the adult version of a toddler temper tantrum that normally results – plus a lifetime of bullying has made me quite emotionally pliable as experience dictated you can’t fight a bully, you just have to give in.
Just realising this though has been enough to help me change my outlook and the realisation has made me behave in a way that puts me first for once.
At the moment it feels like I’m being forced to live each day as it comes, mainly because life has slowed considerably. I don’t plan to do things with others anymore and it’s been hard to realise that without me taking the lead, I see nobody and am never included in anything. Sounds self absorbed, but it’s not meant to be. I think I’ve just realised other people and their lives mean more to me than my life and I mean to them – even with my siblings, which has been hard to take. But it’s my relationship with me that I should be focusing on, in 2020, wherever that takes me and whoever I happen to meet along the way.
I’m done living for others – I want to live for me if I can only work out how!